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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29533269">what a waste to be so alone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/iorion/pseuds/iorion'>iorion</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, One Shot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:21:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,889</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29533269</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/iorion/pseuds/iorion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Let’s just run away, yeah?” Tommy blurted. </p><p>Slowly, Tubbo tilted his gaze back to meet his best friend’s eyes.</p><p>They were open wide and sparkling with a ferocious sort of blankness. </p><p>It was the blankness of someone whose entire world was collapsing around them, leaving a level playing field to build something completely brand new. </p><p>It was also something Tubbo noticed every time he met his own reflection.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Toby Smith | Tubbo &amp; TommyInnit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>181</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>what a waste to be so alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i originally wrote this at like 3am and posted it anonymously bc it was basically just a big long vent about my feelings and i didn't want it attached to me but now i'm saying fuck it we ball :,) </p><p>warning: it is very sad<br/>skip to the end notes for detailed trigger warnings and an apology lol</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They stood over the crest of a flower spotted hill. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A breeze tangled with the branches of the trees, twirling the leaves against one another in a whispered roar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The night sky was like an ink black ocean, with thick clouds covering the stars from sight. A ghostly white glow from the distant moon was spread thin over a patch of clouds, like honey smeared over fresh bread. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy once said the stars were little pinpricks shining through from heaven, and that when a soul fled from the earth it had to poke a hole in the blanket sky in order to reach the other side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tubbo always wondered if the souls were allowed to look back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s all ruined,” Tommy said suddenly. His gaze was fixed on the dirt spotting his worn out leather boots. He needed to wear them whenever he went out to meet Tubbo, since the clamor of armor might be heard from Manburg, but they were a bit too small. Every time he tied up the laces, old blisters would appear as tattoos of his travels. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tubbo was silent. Of course he felt the same, but he had a feeling Tommy said it with further explanation in mind. He left a space in the conversation open for Tommy to fill. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe once, it could’ve been fixed, but now Wilbur’s gone crazy, and the walls are torn down but you’re still trapped inside, and it’s just…” Tommy trailed off, dragging a hand through his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ruined,” Tubbo whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another gust of wind swept through the clearing, curling over the top of their hill and dropping down into the copse of trees just ahead. The leaves chattered amongst themselves, a few dislodging from their mother branches and soaring out with the winter chill. In a couple weeks, the rest would follow, and winter would lay its powdery grip over the earthy rot. Tubbo wondered if it would be worth it to ask Schlatt about planting a few Christmas pines around Manburg. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure it’ll get better someday,” Tubbo said at last. “I know it’s hard right now, but someday something’s bound to happen that will make it all better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or something could make it worse,” Tommy growled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tubbo didn’t have any good response to that. It was true.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, unless something terrible happens, we’re still gonna be alive in a couple years. A lot can change in a couple years,” Tubbo pointed out, after a couple moments of silence. “We shouldn’t throw away all hope just because it’s… ruined.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know,” Tommy sighed. “But when I try to think about that—about how we’re still just kids and one day we might be the ones in charge—I don’t know. It just feels like a burden we have to bear. The years will pass, and we’re just gonna have to be there to watch it happen. You can’t escape the passage of time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How morbid,” Tubbo huffed with what was supposed to be a lighthearted laugh. It came out more as a resigned sigh. He nudged Tommy’s side with his elbow, trying again. “What happened to that invincible attitude of yours, big man? Not too long ago you were challenging the most powerful person on the server to a duel for a future that felt impossible, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, and look at where it got me,” Tommy laughed, a little hysterical. “Exiled, lonely, cold…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But still invincible?” Tubbo said softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Apparently,” Tommy whispered. His voice was nearly lost amidst the choir of the breeze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish there was some sort of reset machine,” Tubbo hummed. “Some portal that we could just walk through, and suddenly we’d be back at the beginning.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wouldn’t we just end up making the same mistakes?” Tommy asked. “Even knowing what I know now… L’Manburg was one of my favorite places. I think I’d still do everything in my power to keep it safe, even if my power wasn’t ever enough.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if we could go back to before even that?” Tubbo’s voice was hushed, like a prayer. “Before L’Manburg, before Wilbur, before the SMP, everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’d still be friends though, right?” Tommy sighed. He sounded like he was smiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Tubbo said firmly. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The clouds thinned a bit near the moon, pulling the darkness back and washing them in light. There were no defined shadows, nor brilliant beams of hope. It was still just grey, only now it was brighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wonder if there’s a way we could really do it,” Tommy said under his breath. From the corner of his eye, Tubbo noticed Tommy bring his fingers up to his mouth, biting his nails in an old anxious habit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, go back in time?” Tubbo scoffed, but it was without any bitterness, only longing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Obviously not,” Tommy snorted. “But… reset it, like you said. Start over again, with just me and you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, without a time machine… I’m afraid it would just keep going.” Tubbo shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What would?” Tommy frowned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Time.” The word was soft as a petal crumbling under rain. “I feel like eventually we’d just get all caught up in the wars and the blood and the fighting, even if we managed to just… I dunno, tell everyone to give it up? At some point we’d still be adults, with adult responsibilities, making adult mistakes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But this time we wouldn’t just be along for the ride,” Tommy growled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’d be leading the charge.” Tubbo pressed a hand to his shoulder, where the phantom grip of Schlatt and Wilbur still grappled him tight, even when he was alone. He was still subtly under their control, and he probably would be until the day he died. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I—wait,” Tommy interrupted himself, his voice sharp with something that set Tubbo on edge. He hovered his hand over the iron sword at his hip, scanning the treeline for whatever intruder might’ve caught Tommy’s attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tubbo, Tubbo, look at me—” Tommy grabbed Tubbo’s head, forcing him to turn and look Tommy in the eyes for the first time since they’d first met at the hill for their weekly espionage meeting that night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? What is it?” Tubbo hissed. His mind was still caught on the possibility of getting caught—they might execute him, or worse, they’d execute Tommy and force Tubbo to watch. His blood rushed in his ears like a pick dragging over stone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tubbo, I figured it out,” Tommy whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wh—oh, the reset thing?” Tubbo felt himself wilt, adrenaline bleeding from his chest and sinking into the ground. “That’s great—yeah, sure. Cool. Fuck, you scared me—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Tommy chirped in a way that showed he wasn’t sorry in the slightest. He was too distracted, his brain running a mile a minute. “I just—I had an idea. And you’re gonna think it’s crazy, but hear me out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I’m listening,” Tubbo said warily. He knew he’d say yes, no matter what it was, because Tommy was his best friend, but mostly he was just too exhausted to care. If just standing upright was exhausting, what was one more weight to his proverbial ball and chain? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Tommy echoed. The hands clamped on either side of Tubbo’s head vibrated with frantic energy. Tubbo just stood and waited, wondering when he’d stopped feeling that same anticipation for a fresh idea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tubbo looked back up at the ebony sky. On nights like these, sometimes he felt like he was too tired to even sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s just run away, yeah?” Tommy blurted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly, Tubbo tilted his gaze back to meet his best friend’s eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were open wide and sparkling with a ferocious sort of blankness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was the blankness of someone whose entire world was collapsing around them, leaving a level playing field to build something completely brand new. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was also something Tubbo noticed every time he met his own reflection. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Run away?” Tubbo asked hoarsely. “But—what about Pogtopia, and L’Manburg?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck them,” Tommy growled. “Seriously, just fuck them all. Everything we loved about those places are gone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ruined,” Tubbo muttered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly,” Tommy nodded, and he shook Tubbo’s head right along with him. “Let’s reset it all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Won’t they come looking for us?” Tubbo grimaced, remembering the report he was supposed to submit to Schlatt’s office the next morning. Even if they left right that instant, they wouldn’t make it very far before someone inevitably noticed they were missing and hunted them back down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not if we do it right,” Tommy whispered. “I’ve got a plan. It’s a little insane, but if you’re down once I’ve explained it, then we can do it—really, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>do it. I’ll be with you for one hundred percent of the time. We can do it.” Tommy dropped his hands and stepped back, but his eyes were still fixed square on Tubbo’s face. “And if you don’t want to run, if there’s even a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little </span>
  </em>
  <span>hesitation in your mind about the whole thing, I’ll drop it. Never bring it up again. We can come up with something else, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Tubbo said slowly. He remembered the hollow pit forming in his stomach every time he tried to summon the energy for hope. He remembered the feeling of it eating every spare emotion that passed through him, until he was nothing but an empty husk in a pressed suit and tie. “Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll be down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” Tommy asked, a shaky smile curling over the corners of his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Tubbo nodded. He’d never been more sure of anything else in his entire life. Wherever Tommy wanted to take him, as long as it was far away from these feelings of emptiness, Tubbo would follow. “What’s the plan?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They didn’t leave the hill in the clearing until the dawn turned the cloud cover into a muted rose tapestry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The night was spent planning, making lists of supplies, formulating the perfect time and place for them to meet up before they left. Tommy felt his nerves come alive with a morbid thrill every time he thought about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy and Tubbo, running away forever. It would be one last ‘fuck you’ to the things that tried to ruin them, and they’d make sure that nobody could ever hurt them again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tubbo, after hearing just a few words of Tommy’s plan, lit up like a firework. Tommy almost forgot what giddy excitement and grim determination looked like on his best friend’s face. For so long, they’d been meeting in the forest with matching expressions of hollow resignation, twin smudges of weary violet drooping beneath their eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, suddenly, they were giggling as though nothing ever changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tubbo offered to gather some of the more difficult supplies—specifically the potion ingredients they’d need as the key to their escape. That morning, he left with a list of materials in his pocket and a pep in his step. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy walked the other way, needing to physically restrain himself from giggling with incredulous delight every time he felt it bubble up his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made it back to Pogtopia before the sun fully rose in the sky, and luckily for him, Wilbur and Techno were still asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he descended the spiral stairs into the torchlit ravine, he trailed his hands along every surface he could reach, memorizing the way it felt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even if he hated it, and even if he was excited to leave it behind, he knew that he needed to uphold a bit of reverence for the place. If all went according to plan, it would be his last time he ever saw the pathways he’d lain with his bare hands, or the humming redstone blocks crammed between the cracks of stone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made sure to send mental thanks to each thing he saw, for being his home for so long and for holding so many heavy memories for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy’s job was relatively simple. He couldn’t just throw a bunch of supplies into a bag, because Wilbur would notice the absence immediately and hurl accusations of betrayal until both their throats were sore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, he stashed a few of his most prized possessions into his pockets—a patch from Wilbur’s old L’Manburg uniform, a golden ring that Techno gave him on one of their first nights in the darkness of Pogtopia, the green handkerchief woven from one of Tubbo’s old stuffed animals. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked over his chests full of metal and tools, and precious ores that he’d spent hours slaving away for, and sighed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t risk taking anything valuable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Besides, they wouldn’t really be of much use to him once he and Tubbo escaped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The last thing he grabbed was a stack of paper and a thick charcoal pencil. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He and Tubbo planned to write letters to everyone, explaining where they went and why. Maybe it would help bring an end to all their fighting, maybe it was just a way for them to say goodbye. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe no one would ever find the letters, and the memory of Tommy and Tubbo would quickly disappear into obscurity. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whatever happened, they would be long gone by the time anyone would know, so there was no use in wondering. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To Wilbur, Tommy started out angry but after just a few quick marks felt himself mellow out. He didn’t want the last words Wilbur heard from him to be the snarly scrawls of an enraged brother. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, he focused on the good memories. He didn’t have enough time nor eloquence to write all the novels of bittersweet poetry he wanted to leave behind, so he kept it short and sweet. After just a page, he wrote that he trusted Wilbur to fill in the blanks between the lines, and to think of Tommy with every sunset. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To Techno, he rambled about how much he always wanted to imitate him. He said that even if they were apart, Tommy would still always be thinking about Techno every time he saw gold. He hoped that wherever he and Tubbo went, they’d find potatoes there. Tommy punctuated the letter with a scribbled thumbs-up and a promise that someday, everything would be okay again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After that, the letters to the rest of the SMP came easily. Eventually he found that he didn’t have much left that he needed to say, and ended up not saying much at all. He left only vague well-wishes and swore up and down that they shouldn’t bother to try to bring him or Tubbo back home. They were determined to never return. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That done, he folded the papers into a thick envelope, sealed it tight, and wrote </span>
  <em>
    <span>from Tommy </span>
  </em>
  <span>on the front. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He left it on his bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Tommy and Tubbo finally reunited hours later, the sky was dark once again. The clouds had retreated back beneath the horizon since that morning, and the full moon was perfectly visible. It sat cradled by the scattered stars and shone grey light, brighter than Tommy had ever seen it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Tubbo saw him approaching the bench, he stood, holding the bottles of potions in his arms. A nervously excited smile split across his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” Tubbo whisper-shouted. “All done?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Tommy nodded. “You put yours on your bed?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My desk, actually,” Tubbo shrugged in the general direction of the white house, which was almost perfectly visible from their old favorite perch on the SMP. “I figured people would be more likely to look for me there first, and I wanted to make sure they found it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure they will, my friend!” Tommy giggled. “I guess nobody comes around to this part of town anymore, huh?” They sat down on the bench, and Tubbo handed him two potion bottles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really,” Tubbo sighed wistfully. “That’s alright though, I’m sure they’ll figure it out eventually.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Tommy tilted his head back and gazed at the sprawling greenery beneath them. “Also leaves more time for us to say goodbye.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tubbo hummed and reached down, patting the smooth wood beneath them. “Bye-bye, bench.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve served us well,” Tommy said seriously, but he couldn’t stop the smile from creeping up his face at the sound of Tubbo’s stifled snort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well then, are you ready to go?” Tubbo asked, lifting one of the potion bottles. He’d made four, just in case, but one for each of them would likely be strong enough for their purposes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you’d never ask,” Tommy laughed. He uncorked the bottle and held it out at the SMP skyline. The moonlight shone through the black-violet like a song through the echoey halls of church. Tubbo did the same, and when he lifted his bottle, Tommy turned and took a long look at his best friend, framed by moonlight and stars. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Tubbo?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Tommy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, man.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tubbo smiled, and the glitter in his eyes matched the gloss in Tommy’s own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They brought their glasses together, and the haunting ring of glass tapped gently against glass punctuated the night air. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The breeze fell still. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To the stars,” Tubbo said quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To the stars,” Tommy echoed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They tilted their heads back and drank. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Moments later, two new stars appeared in the sky, leaning up against each other and laughing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just as in life, so they were in death. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They never looked back. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, suicide pact, suicide everything basically, deep and overwhelming depression, major character death, bad writing</p><p>i am very very sorry but also!! this is real and my emotions are real and if you or anyone you know feels like this pls dont be afraid to reach out to anyone whether it be a close friend, teacher, counselor, or just an anon help line. u got this :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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